My mother is an idiot.

I love her. She gave birth to me. She also has absolutely no tact and ever since she got on the Internet she has lost her mind.

Sure, when EVERYONE got the Internet (back in 1995) they lost their minds a little bit - forwarding surveys, actually believing emails about Bill Gates giving us each a million dollars if we signed our name at the bottom of the page and sent it on, etc. etc. But when my mom got the Internet (in 2001), she REALLY lost it. Seven years later, she's still forwarding surveys. She still actually believes that Bill Gates will give her a million dollars if she signs her name at the bottom of the page and sends it on. Her latest kick is that there is a (very small) group of people who are "online protesting" the government's proposed rollback of military pensions. Before even checking to see if it's a rumour or the truth, she went batshit insane and signed my brother's, sister's, and my names (plus all of our respective spouses and my sister's son who is 18) AND ADDRESSES to ... I don't even know what it was. Whatever it was got us all on a mailing list though. She contacted the head of the group and volunteered herself to translate his entire web page/any letters he may have to send for him.

The only problem is, she has horrible spelling and grammar in this other language (it's her native language, yes, but she only got through 10th grade, then left to join the military, and then learned English, and finished school in English... and it's been over 40 years since she's been in school, so I guess it's understandable), so what she does is, she takes half an hour translate it with Babelfish or something, then sends it to me, and I (because I also am an idiot and an obedient child who really does appreciate everything her parents have done for her in her life and although I'm venting here, and have tried to get her to be more careful of her Internet exploits in the past, figure this is keeping her busy as long as it doesn't get her arrested) spend the next four hours combing through this 9-page document and basically rewriting it, trying to figure out what it is supposed to say because holy crap, online translators don't do it right.

But that? That is not what has upset me today. No, what upset me today is that she and I were having an MSN conversation about her calling to ask my uncle (who has always been my favorite uncle, and is also my godfather, and is the most like me in my father's family) if he was going to be able to do something as a favor to me which involved driving for 5 hours. A HUGE favour. Not something that I would ask myself, seeing as he's 52 and... I don't know, it seems like a lot to ask of people... but she insisted. Unfortunately at that point the Internet went out and she couldn't tell me the results of her call to him.

SO, this morning, I receive an email.
"Well, your Uncle ___ can't do it because he has a brain tumor and is waiting to see the specialist. I'll check and see if I can find someone else".


HELLO.

THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF THING YOU TELL SOMEONE VIA EMAIL. Especially in such a throwaway manner.

Of course this is the woman who, when my grandmother was dying in hospital, asked (not maliciously, completely well-meaning) if my father could go take a nap in grandma's bed at her house (she lived with my uncle, and admittedly, after an 8-hour drive through a blizzard to get there, my father was exhausted). And added "I mean, it's not like she'll be using her bed".

I think it's a combination of not being all that fluent in English, plus having absolutely no internal editor. She does not think before she speaks, and even less so when she types.

I'm talking to her on MSN right now. Turns out she's known about this tumor business since June, and "forgot" to tell me.