Dear Mother-In-Law

You are a greedy, self-centered woman.

That's not to say that you don't do nice things for others... but you totally expect glory and profuse thanks for it. It's never out of selfless altruism. You're also extremely inappropriate and make me feel uncomfortable and insufficient on a regular basis.

Examples from the past week:

"Oh, that's a nice camera you have. I'm glad you got it because when you get a new one, I get that one!"
Because we gave you our last camera when we got this one. We plan on having this one for awhile, though, because we are not rich. And it cost nearly $500. Which we SAVED UP FOR A YEAR in order to purchase. So don't hold your breath waiting for this one, no matter how much you "wants it" (your words).

(to me, about various clothes that I've brought on this trip) "Wow, that's a nice top/pair of pants/etc etc. That would look SO good on me. You know, you should leave those for me when you leave. You can buy more when you get home". (actually, again, not rich. Plus you're about three sizes larger than I am)(not that that stops you from wearing clothing that's the same size as mine).

My husband (your son's) birthday was today. Two days ago, after complaining for two hours about how sick you are (you have sniffles. Meanwhile my husband is throwing up - but you're not concerned about that), you started complaining about how you supposed you'd have to bake him a cake, after working an admittedly long shift. I told you I'd gladly make the cake. You gave me the dirtiest look, and said "I haven't gotten to bake him a cake in years. Let me at least do it this time!" Oh yes, because I stole your little boy away, forcing him to move hundreds of miles away from you. Newsflash: He was miserable here. He doesn't even want to visit you, but I insist. I'll think a lot harder about it next time.

So, even though I've been home for the past three days with nothing to do, and you've been working or sleeping or out with friends, I left the cake for you to make, because you insisted. You finally decided to bust out the no-name brand cake mix at about 6 pm today. You added the water and egg, you poured it into the cake pan. You put it in the oven. Then you sat on the couch, having me check it, take it out of the oven, make the icing (by the way, your icing recipe isn't as good as you think it is, but you insisted that I use your recipe - not that I would have tried otherwise. I know how to be polite - I don't like eating things with raw flour in them), ice the cake, put the candles on, light them... and then you came into the kitchen, brought the cake out, and set it in front of your son. And proceeded to act as though you'd been slaving over a hot oven for three days. Actual words, when he had just barely blown out the candles: "Aren't you going to thank me? You wouldn't have had a cake if I hadn't thought of it".

You treat your husband like your own personal StepNFetchit. He brings you a full plate of lunch. "I wants a different knife!". He jumps up and gets it for you. "Where's my drink?" He jumps up and gets it for you. "Bring me a smoke!" He jumps up and gets it for you. Smoking at the table, while 3 other people haven't finished eating yet makes for a fantastic dining experience, by the way. But then, you're grabbing choice bits of food off our plates ("Oh, I wanted that piece of {whatever}" - fork stab) so we don't have that much left to eat anyway.

You lie. YOU LIE. Okay, maybe you just exaggerate. You over-dramatize everything. I went grocery shopping with you. The total was $191. You gave the cashier $200. She gave you $9 back. When we got home, as soon as you saw your husband you started going on about how the total had been $181 and the cashier had short-changed you by $10. Not realizing what you were trying to do, I piped up with "I thought it was $191 - do you have the receipt?" You shot me the dirtiest look, all while shoving the receipt (which had been in your hand) into your pocket. "No, it was $181, I remember! And she not only shortchanged me, she kept the receipt!" I should have left it there, but I feigned concern, asking if you wanted me to drive you back to the store. Then I was given the Look of Death, and told that no, even if you did go back, they'd just lie.

Then you got on to phone every person you know and raked the poor cashier (one of your cousins) over the coals, talked about her personal life, said how she probably is shortchanging everyone who comes into the store and how by the end of the day she must have an extra $200 in her pocket.

Husband's friend had a hunting accident and nearly had to have one leg amputated. As it is, the leg is useless, he's on crutches for the rest of his life, and is in severe pain at all times. Your take on it? He tried to commit suicide and his wife is only staying with him for the disability payments.

And then this morning, in the middle of one of our (your - I never get a word in edgewise) long, LONG conversations about all the horrible things that have happened to you in your life, you say "I don't understand why (something) happened. I mean, no one would EVER say that I put bad karma out there..."


Yeah. Right.

Your neighbor was over visiting the other day. She asked us when we'd be producing a baby, as people do. Neighbour doesn't know that I'm having some infertility issues. You DO know, because you went through my prescriptions (!!!) and found the fertility medication, and asked what they were (your excuse: You were looking for your migraine medications. How your migraine meds would be in my makeup case in a bottle from a pharmacy that doesn't even exist around here, is beyond me). I don't really want to advertise to the world what's going on - it's private. Husband has a pretty pat answer for it: "We're trying, we'll see when it happens".

And then you added your two cents worth:

"Well, you're not trying that hard. I haven't heard a SOUND coming from that room the past three nights!"

Inappropriate. And kind of creepy.

And then I heard you on the phone with that same neighbor later on, when you thought I was outside. Talking about how I'm taking fertility drugs. Saying how you didn't understand why I'd want to do that; there's no reason to "try" to have babies, that people need to "just relax" and it will "just happen".

Okay lady. Just because you got pregnant at 18 on your first try doesn't mean that everyone can. I'm 32 years old. I have genuine medical issues. I don't ovulate. So hell yes we're trying, and yes I need to take the medication in order to actually have the materials to make a baby with.

On the topic of our possible future child: You cannot "order" us to have a girl. We will have what we will have. When my husband says that he wouldn't mind a boy, it's no use for you to holler at him. If we are lucky enough to have a child, and if it turns out to be a boy, I will not "cry for weeks" as you have declared that you will. If we do have a girl, we will not name her the stupid name you have picked out that you wanted to name your son until it turned out he was a boy. By the way, constantly telling your son how upset you were that he was a boy, and how for a month afterward you cried because you had really wanted a girl and had to buy "ugly boys' clothes" instead of the "pretty girl clothes" you wanted - and the fact that you actually dressed him in girl clothes? Not the best idea.

And finally - I get it. You don't like the color green. You don't like it, you would never paint a room in your house green, you would never own a green car, bla, bla, bla, bla. So when I come out of the bedroom wearing a green t-shirt, I don't need to hear that you would never buy a green shirt, let alone wear one. I don't need to hear that you don't understand how anyone could ever want to wear such a horrible color.

Hey, at least I know this is one item of my clothing that you're not planning on stealing.